Post Holiday Blues

I cannot believe that it is time to leave Chicago. All of the holidays that we were getting Eva so psyched for are over and it is time to get on the airplane and do the Russian circuit in Orange County.

Every time I post to say that I am dreading the flight with my now even more active toddler on my lap (and later I say that it was not that bad at all). But all over again I am feeling that very same dread. Not that I don't 100% know that we will get through it, but she is now 30 pounds and my legs fall asleep when she sits on my lap for even a short flight. But the cheapos that we are, and with the United Airlines nixing the discounted children fares, we did not buy Eva a seat. Somebody just shoot me now.

The holidays themselves were magical. Eva loved the tree (or the twig as we called it this year because it was only 5 feet tall). She loved the origami nativity scene and the tree ornaments and all the presents and foods and everybody visiting. She loved fires even though it terrified her how hot they were. But the most magical part was just spending time with her grandparents. You will just have to picture her little legs dangling as she was climbing into the big waterbed with her grandma and pulling the covers over herself. And the two of them reading "Santa and his elves" for a millionth time through. Or her uncle Corey and Chris playing chase with her in the basement with Chris pretending to rev up and then running into Corey with Eva sitting on his shoulders screeching madly and then all but falling off his back with laughter when Corey would pretend to fall over onto the sofa.

And now it is time to go and take her somewhere else. And I don't want to. Because Chris is not coming with us and it is just me 24/7, taking care of her with 110 % of my energy. And I hate to say it, because there are so many moms who don't have the support that I have now and will have in California, but I am just so so so very tired of this 24/7 110% deal - and I need so badly to just get away and do something for myself once in a while, and that is not going to be an option in a new place. I am hoping that Eva will adjust very quickly to being there and will let me take some breaks, because my back is sore, my wrist has some pinched nerve in it and my energy level is at about 20% right now, even after Chris has been sweet and kind enough to watch Eva almost every night. Or is that what the problem is? I am not sleeping next to my little angel? And that is why I am so tired? Sometimes I find myself just utterly bewildered by those parents who don't sleep with their children and think that it is an abnormality. And sometimes I feel like I would kill for not having to get up at night. And there are other times when I am just confused and tired and I know that I am not going to be up for making any kind of changes to our sleeping arrangements because this works and most children wake up and need something at night, even if it is just the reassurance of a parent being next to them.

And as I type this, the time is approaching 10:35 and Eva is hanging out in bed with her grandma looking at the "santa and his elves" book, and I feel like I could collapse with exaustion, but she is just so full of energy and laughter and so NOT tired, which is an exact rerun of the last 7 nights or so. And all I did today is rest and play on the computer and go shopping, but I still feel like I could just sleep for a year.